My 25 Most Significant Life Events

A Facebook friend recently inspired me to list the 25 most significant, interesting or impactful events in my life. Mine are not nearly so glamorous as my friend's, but they have meaning to me. And as not to completely mystify whoever has the misfortune to read this, I'm adding a brief explanation with each.

So by design, chance, conscious decision or royal screwup, and in no particular order, here they are. (Naturally, names have been changed or omitted to protect the guilty):

1. Meeting The Wife

You may not know that I met The Wife in a small college town. In Missouri. In a grill. A bar. Not exactly the beginning of the epic romance (if there is such an animal), but it worked for us!

My buddy and I were immersed in studies, foosball and beer. Then he went to work one semester for the local phone company as an old-style switchboard operator. He was the only male in a roomful of comely co-eds. I envied him!

He'd recently met his future wife and believed it was my turn. So he arranged for a co-worker to meet us one night after work. That first encounter was not love at first sight. I was foo far into the game and my cups. But. The second time I met her, BOINNNG! I was hooked!

Long story short, we wed 8-9 months later. Next spring will be our 50th anniversary.

2. Marriage

Literally within days after I made a conscious and hopeless decision to remain forever single (I was 27), I met Her. Call me "whipped," I don't care. She is the best thing that ever happened to me! (Short of my birth. That was pretty significant, too.)

3. Our Son's Birth

Until then, our marriage was idyllic self-centeredness. When Little Scurvy joined us, we quickly learned the joy, agony, optimism, fear, uncertainty and overwhelming responsibility of bringing a child into the world. And I wouldn't change it for all the tea in Colombia (or coffee in China? Or bacon in Canada!).

4. Our Daughter's Birth
I was present at the birth of both kids (The Wife was, too, of course), and the experience was, trite as it sounds, miraculous! Little Scurvette exhibited a strength I'd not expected almost from the moment she joined the family. She brought a whole new dimension of understanding and mystery to my existence. I cannot imagine what life would have been without her!

5. Scholastic Failure
My sophomore year of college, I busted my hump in a Genetics class taught by a man whose foreign accent I simply could not decipher. After midterms, he told me that no matter how well I did the rest of the way, I would not pass his course. Instead of challenging him or the school, I mentally surrendered, stopped attending and took an F. That incident altered my life and taught me that even bad decisions are valuable decisions.

6. Discovering Brewskis
About halfway through my freshman year, my college roommate talked me into beating some brain cells to death with a six-pack. I resisted. I used a couple of tallboys and a quart of cheap malt liquor instead. I discovered what confidence was — and the following morning what hangovers were. I learned to loosen up, and that has served me immensely since then, independent of alcohol.

7. Enlistment
No matter what anyone tells you, military service changes you, usually for the better. You can't help but grow when you're forced to live and work with people from far outside your little box. I know I can count on men I've actually spent a relatively short time with, because we were "shipmates." And they know they can count on me. No matter how much time has passed. You can't put a value on that.

8. Third Grade
The elementary schools I attended early on taught sight reading, seeing the words as pictures. Example, "cow" wasn't  a word spelled "c-o-w." It was an image of a cow. Schools didn't teach how words were built, i.e. phonics.

Mrs. Williams was old-school. When I had trouble learning to read, she told my parents how to help. Dad then drilled me nightly with flashcards, and within a couple of weeks, I was sounding out words and reading everything I could set my eyes on. If not for her and my Dad, an illiterate lump (as opposed to a literate one) would be struggling to write this.

9. Tonsillectomy
Until about 5, I wasn't very robust. I had allergies my folks were unaware of, but which contributed to three hospital stays for asthma by the start of third grade.

Then, they took my tonsils out, and my life immediately improved. Today, doctors say my tonsillectomy probably had no effect on my health. Could be.

All I know is, I started growing almost the minute they released me from the hospital, and I never had another asthma attack.

10. Forgiveness
When Dad died, I was wracked by guilt. I was 44; he was 67. He and Mom had been in an auto accident. In an orgy of medical timidity, they kept him three weeks in ICU for an old injury they'd detected that his personal doctor had cleared. The family knew of it, but no one (including me) thought to mention it to the hospital physicians.

Subsequently, Dad died of a staph infection in the hospital. Had I been more aware and put my foot down, I may have saved him. It took me several years to forgive myself.

11. My Name
Kids have a real talent for ridiculing with rhyme — and as a child, my name was an irresistible target. I got the full load. I hated it.

"Why?" I asked myself, couldn't I have been named Bill or George. Anything but Sue! (Oops. Off track there. Sorry, Mr. Cash.)

Now, I love my name. It's memorable!

12. Grudges

For almost half-a-lifetime, I held a grudge over an altercation I had with an until-then friend. He whupped me pretty good. Then at our 25th high school reunion, I ran into him. He looked as if Life had done more to him than I could ever do, and my need for revenge I'd been harboring dissolved.

That evening, I consciously chose to let go of such feelings. The Lord says we should love our neighbor, and since then, I try. 

13. Mobile Childhood
My family had roughly 30 addresses by my 13th birthday. Growing up, that was the source of a lot of sadness: leaving places we loved, and schools and friends behind, many to never see again. I never got to really know my extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. Never a feeling of truly belonging. No roots

But the upside was, my immediate family was close. Moving allowed me experiences I'd never've had otherwise; it exposed me to people I may never have met. It taught me to make friends and get along; to be tolerant of others.

My childhood mobility became a matter of pride.

14. Sleep Clinic

My whole life, I tossed and turned in bed — and I got up at least three times every night to pee. Finally, in my 50s The Wife said, "Lose the snoring, or lose me." I thought for a couple of days and asked myself, "Who's gonna cook my dinner?" I went to a sleep clinic.

Found I had sleep apnea, got a c-Pap machine, and my life changed. I slept at least six hours every night without moving and never got up to pee!

That was 20-some years ago, of course, and I do have to get up again. But only once. And I can sleep a minimum of four hours and be more rested than I ever felt before!

15. Allergy Treatment
In my late 30s, a co-worker put me onto allergy treatments. All my life, I'd thought I was getting the flu twice a year. I found at the Allergy Clinic that it was allergies and not viruses (Virii? Vira? I'll just call them little germy things.). Ultimately, I took allergy injections for about 18 years, and although I still have allergies, they're nothing compared to 20-30 years ago.

16. Celebrities

After a short "interview" with the late-Sen. Charles H. Percy of Illinois, it took a lot to rattle me in the presence of celebrities. As a grad student working for American New Service, I was struck with a brilliant question to ask him regarding gun control, I think, and caught him as he was leaving one hearing to vote in another. As I walked up the steps with him, aide after aide came up, whispered in his ear, then left. It rattled me. When we arrived at the new hearing entry, he paused and waited.

Pfffft! The brilliant question was gone. So I babbled something incoherent, he returned the favor and disappeared. I was devastated, but by the time I returned to the original hearing, I was laughing my butt off. Never again was I cowed by the fame or stature of another.

17. Baseball Brawl

When I was 18, I had nothing to do one night, so I went to watch the Summer Baseball League 8-9 boy's championship. Back then, they played full-team ball, pitchers, umps, all of it. That game was exciting and hard-fought and brought out probably too much emotion in the parents and coaches.

Teams always showed sportsmanship, lining up, marching over the mound and congratulating each other. This night, though, one coach said something to his opposite number — and fists started flying. As their charges watched wide-eyed, the two "adults" rolled around in the dirt trying to get in a good solid punch.

Finally, some real adults pulled them apart, the players went to get ice cream, and everyone went home.

That night, I promised myself that if ever the Good Lord blessed me with children, I'd be a part of their activities. My wife and I would not just abandon our kids to others who may or may not have the same aims and values as us.

Ultimately, I helped with baseball, basketball, soccer and volleyball as our kids grew up.

And we're glad I did.

18. Parents Passing

My parents died about 12 years apart, Dad first. As I've mentioned, for a long time I felt I might have prevented it. His passing came quickly and hit my mom, sisters and me hard. We had no time to prepare.

His death took the wind out of Mom's sails, and if the truth be known, she'd have been content to die with him. Instead, she began a slow decline and in the end strokes took her.

I grieved horribly for Dad. Mom, I didn't. I loved her dearly, but because her downhill slide took so long, we all had time to prepare.

When they both had passed, my sisters and I, who'd had rocky relationships over the years, put hard feelings behind us. We became close.

The deaths of our parents taught us, finally, that time is too short to waste on petty squabbles.

19. College
I'd been, I felt, more unsure, unliked and invisible in high school. When I decided to go to college, I also decided to start over, re-invent myself. It took awhile, but I did, and it eventually gave me confidence and maturity. So much confidence, in fact, that I was able to flunk out without going all to pieces!

20. Eye Problems

I don't know who, but one of the many eye-care specialists I've seen in my life once told me I had the body of a 30-year-old and the eyes of a 60-year-old. Just what a 12-year-old wants to hear (kidding, just kidding!).

Since I received my first eyeglasses in 7th grade, I've had myriad eye problems: retinal, glaucoma, near-sightedness, cataracts, macular degeneration and who knows what else. And I'm still functioning!

This has taught me two things: 1. There's not any physical problem you can't overcome, short of death; 2. I can't remember what two was!

21. Retirement
I retired the earliest I could and still receive full benefits — in my case, at 62½. That was nearly 15 years ago. The Wife and I feared my sight would die before I could enjoy a bit of leisure. It didn't, and I've never looked back, never regretted our decision.

And we're still muddling along, happy as hogs in a waller...or as they say around here, a Razorback chewing on Longhorn leg (or maybe they don't say that. I'm old; I can't remember....).

I found with just a minimal amount of planning, even at a late date, I could retire pleasantly and comfortably. Runaway inflation may have changed things some since, but I still don't believe one needs $1 million minimum to live out his or her life.

22. NSEF

I'd been in the Navy half my 6-year enlistment when I was assigned to the Naval Security Engineering Facility in Washington DC. I'd been finagling for it for six months and when it was approved I was happy as a walrus in a bed of clams.

I'd originally signed up for electronics and unfortunately found I had neither the aptitude nor the patience for it. NSEF tasks extended beyond electronic maintenance, into carpentry, plumbing, masonry, a/c, electrical work and a range of other things. It was varied, and I loved it.

Not only did it provide me the means to travel without being confined to a ship, it taught me life skills I'd not gotten all in one place. Plus, it paid very well. Per diem and all.

Lastly, it taught me leadership skills I'd probably not had the chance to develop otherwise. And probably kept me out of trouble!

23. Teaching Myself

Two things: in 8th grade I got tired of being afraid of dances and mixers, thereby depriving myself of the company of the fairer sex. So, I rushed home from school each day, turned on the TV and taught myself to dance by watching American Bandstand!

Then when I was 20, I got fed up with staying home from swim parties because I was embarrassed I couldn't swim. So, I began going to the swimming pool in an adjacent town and taught myself to swim!

Of course, by then I was working rotating shifts at a local factory and couldn't attend swim parties then, either, because my days off didn't jibe with everyone else's. But still....

 
24. New Environment

After almost eight years in the craft, I left journalism. And it was one of the best decisions I ever made!

I got an offer to work in communications with Arkansas Farm Bureau, and took it with its $4,000-$5,000 raise. I'd been making $11,700 annually, which was under the median U.S. income.

Not only did my new job give me time for my family I'd not had, it paid enough  for The Wife and I to begin thinking of putting down roots. Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, it removed me from a cynical, psychologically toxic environment where too many co-workers were pompous and arrogant.

25. Faith

The Wife and I really began attending church regularly when we put our son in parochial school. We felt he, and later his sister, would benefit in ways beyond formal education. They have both become upstanding adults, and we are very proud of them.

During their school years, we became involved in our church and since, have learned much about and advanced with the Lord's help, in our faith.

A Dad's Advice, Good or Bad, Part 1

My Children and my Children soon-to-be, this is my gift to you. I pray it blesses you as much as it has me in writing it.

In the past 12 months, all four of you (both couples) have made significant decisions and gotten engaged to wonderful partners. As a dad/dad-inlaw-to-be, I offer you the benefit of some of my experience. Sorta words of wisdom that, if you follow, will enrich your marital lives. Given your independent spirits, however, I figure you probably won't, but that's all right. Everyone must make his/her own mistakes. I'm confident you'll overcome yours.

Passing to you what I've learned serves two purposes for me. It's the chance to examine exactly what I really have learned, if anything, in the 35 years YourMotherMyLove and I have been married. Additionally, it makes me feel I've maybe added to your future happiness. Some of these things, I've practiced; some, I haven't as much as I should have.

YourMotherMyLove may have other views on some of this, and some of it you may already know. But that doesn't make it less valid. I do wish someone had offered me similar advice when I was young. As I counseled you, Son and Daughter, numerous times through the years, take the good parts of this advice and use them, and throw away the rest. Keep in mind, too, that "anything free is worth exactly what you pay for it." That goes for advice. So, here goes. Indulge me.

In no particular order, these are 20 things I want to tell you before you recite your vows:

1. If you have doubts or misgivings re your upcoming nuptials, now is the time to sort 'em out with your soon-to-be-lifelong partners. It's okay to be nervous. But if you're terrified, something may not be right. Remember, until the "I do," the "I'm not sure" is okay.

2. Marriage is forever. If you think, "Well, if it doesn't work, I can always get a divorce," You will be the main reason for your ultimate heartache and misery.

3. Unless you're living in a cardboard box on skid row, money is not a valid reason to put off starting a family. For such a life-altering decision, certainly you need to use the good sense God gave you. Unless you discover a way to make unlimited energy from toejam and bellybutton lint, however, odds are against you ever being rich. So, if you want children, have them. If you wait for the perfect time moneywise, kids never will happen.

4. Speaking of money.... It's true that the buck is the main cause of many, many husband/wife fights. I suggest you and your intended begin talking yesterday about how you handle the family finances. No single approach is the best. YourMotherMyLove and I share a single checkbook; all our accounts are joint; we have no secrets. However, every couple is different. You all must find what works for you.

5. Daughters, no matter how close you and your husbands-to-be are, emotions are usually not one of a man's strengths. Telling him "You should have known" is not really fair. The majority of men lack that talent; we can only guess at what you're thinking. "You should have known" from your lips becomes "You should have read my mind" in his ears. Daughters, be specific with your man -- and be assured that, no matter what, he loves you more than anything.

6. Sons, your wives-to-be are beautiful, intelligent and loving. Cherish them for those virtues. Like most women, they think/act from their hearts first. Detached logic generally is not a consideration. So, be patient when what you think is common-sense reason doesn't take, and you don't understand why. Value your wife for her differences. Give her time, and know that she loves you with her whole being, no matter what.

7. Talk about things. I realize not each of you is comfortable sitting down and discussing problems or concerns. However, good communication is a vital aspect of any relationship. So, all of you, work at it; don't be afraid to talk to your spouses at any time about anything, both positive and negative. The temporary discomfort a discussion may cause you is infinitely better than what no discussion may cause. And, believe me, it'll get easier the more you talk.

8. Do not leave feelings unexpressed and suppressed. They can blow up like a hand grenade and cause just as much pain. If any one of you screws up, neither you nor your spouse can be forgiven, or forgive, when you don't know what you've done.

9. Jealousy, true jealousy, the green-eyed monster kind, is an insidious emotion. It may start out as cute, endearing and a bit charming, maybe even seen as manifestation of your spouse's intense and "true" love. It quickly can go south, though, and become suspicious and destructive. One partner's unjustified insecurity in the other's love can morph into possessiveness, mistrust and hatefulness. Don't fall into this trap.  If either you or your future mates lean toward jealous, you might want to start talking about it.

To be continued...

A Dad's Advice, Good or Bad, Part 2

Here, Kids, as they say, is the rrrest of the story:

10. An admiring glance at the opposite sex is not the same as  having an affair. Now, now if your spouse fawns over a hot member of the opposite sex and ignores you at a party, say, that's different. But don't anticipate it. Just lovingly deal with it if it arises. There are some awfully nice ways to ensure your spouse only has eyes for you. Use your imagination, and find them.

11. I have a card hanging on my office wall that says, "Unless it's fatal, it's no big deal." We could avoid a lot of needless unpleasantness if YourMotherMyLove and I always kept that in mind. Dirty socks on the living room floor or pantyhose on the shower rod are nothing compared to a spouses' health, for example. My advice to you is, don't sweat the small stuff.

12. I'll be blunt. Sex is very important in a marital relationship, both for the husband and the wife, though perhaps from different perspectives. Guys tend to be on the wham-bam-snore side of the ledger, while gals appreciate a more leisurely approach. We all know that. Less generally known is how differently guys and gals tend to view such intimacy. Again, talk to each other about your expectations.

I've read that men believe the physical sex act is evidence of their mates' love for them. On the other hand, I've read women are more likely to see view everyday interactions in their marital relationship as evidence of their husbands' love. I imagine both are at least partly true. So, Sons and Daughters, I urge you to consider your spouse's perspective and make adjustments in your, shall I say, "instinctual" tendencies re your sexual relationship.

13. As a corollary to that, guys often feel they must "perform" in bed. So, they put pressure on themselves. When that happens, sometimes certain things don't happen, if you catch my drift. Performance anxiety is self-centered, Guys. What happens, happens. It isn't the end of the world. Focus on her. You'll both benefit.

14. I believe too many couples today mistake hormone-driven lust for love. After the first rush of desire abates, whether it's six months or 20 years, modern couples often "fall out of love." As that tide of desire ebbs (sounds like a romance novel), I urge you all to make an effort to keep your romance alive. I've not done as good a job on that as I might have, but we've managed to keep our love warm. Maybe it's not as hot and nasty as it once was, but it's as hot and nasty once as it ever was.

15. When the sex runs its course -- it may never, but it might -- your best friend, soulmate, confidant and loving partner in life still will be by your side. Remember that, an, treasure him/her now in the small things.

16. Like love, conflict is a component of marriage. Two of you have seen YourMotherMyLove and I disagree pretty loudly over the years. Early on, we'd decided hiding or suppressing marital conflict was unhealthy. You'll surely experience similar conflicts in your marriages. My advice? Don't let your stubbornness and pride get in the way of your love. Don't be afraid to lose an argument once in a while. Don't think shutting up is defeat. (This, I need to work on!) Respect one another.

17. The preceding said, "For better or for worse" only goes so far when it comes to marital violence. Striking, abusing or afflicting your mate in any way must not be ignored. If it ever occurs, get help! It is unjustifiable and a symptom of deeper, dark problem. None of you must tolerate it -- ever!

18. YourMotherMyLove and I believe marriage is for life. We know love is caring for someone else more than for yourself. Honestly, I don't think anyone can do that 24/7, because we're all selfish creatures. I know I can't, but it's what I strive for. I can say truthfully that I've never once -- not once -- wished that I had not married YourMotherMyLove. No regrets. I wish you the same.

19. I'm sure you know marriage is not all hearts and flowers. Trite but true, marriage is hard work. Your mate is your love, whom you chose. Treasure him/her, and be positive. Spouses are human and make mistakes. But expect their best, and they'll seldom disappoint. After all, they love you!

20. Finally but most importantly, raising a family today is a daunting job. Waiting until children are "old enough" to bring God (or religion, spirituality or whatever you want to call it) into their lives is a dangerous gamble. YourMotherMyLove and I believe all children question their spiritual beliefs, raised in a spiritual home or not. Waiting until they can "decide for themselves" to introduce them to God may deprive them of a strong moral foundation. Please don't lock God in your marriage closet. (That's today's sermon....)

You know we wouldn't trade anything for you kids. You, Son and Daughter, are our dearest treasures. Son- and Daughter-inlaw-to-be, now your are, as well. By the same token, I wouldn't take all the money on earth for one fewer day with YourMotherMyLove. Does that make our marriage successful? I think so. I pray that in yours, the four of you are as blessed.

...Then, maybe we all can dance!

Act IV - Just Who Do You Think You ARE?

I'm a real success, I am.

In 1967 -- I had begun college two years previously -- I switched my major from Pre-Dental to WineWomen&Song. Wise move. I flunked out. Vietnam was heating up, and I'd lost my student deferment. I had disppointed my parents. I needed to straighten up.

Every male I knew who was eligible for the draft fled to the National Guard, Air Force, Coast Guard (although in those days, coasts to guard were pretty sparse around Kansas City) and the Navy. Dad knew the local Navy recruiter and as a "favor," he "squeezed me in" under the 120-day delay plan.

So, I had three months in which to practice my college major without the pressures of formal classes. Studying was a breeze. Being the altruist I was, I served my fellow citizens during that time by contributing to their financial well being by supporting every 3.2 beer bar in Kansas City, KS, that I could find.

Then on Jan.4, 1968, my studies were interrupted. I reported to the Selective Service office for induction. They tested us, physicaled us and swore us in. Then, I took my first airplane ride, to the U.S. Navy Recruit Training Center, San Diego. Three days later, incidentally, the mailman delivered my draft notice to my parent's house.

For more than a year, Uncle Sam taught me disipline, initiative and seamanship, among other things, in boot camp -- and educated me in electronics in tech schools. Then, he sent me to a communication station outside San Juan, Puerto Rico. I quickly applied all I had learned up to then, especially the seamanship.

I discovered how inexpensive the booze was at the base Enlisted Men's Club, the best ways to remain upright when partying for days on end, and found the best places in Old San Juan for alcohol-fueled benders. Let's see...oh, yeah. I worked some, too, largely repairing teletype. I was the best TTY man on the island. Really had 'em snowed.

And there, I applied my seamanship. Five other guys and I chartered a small fishing boat one day and went deep-sea fishing eight miles out in the Caribbean. In all my time in the Navy, I NEVER got seasick. Okay, that once I did feel pretty queazy most of the day... Okay, REAL queazy. But I never hurled! (Also, in all my time in the Navy, that was the closest I got to going to sea. But that wasn't MY fault!)

During my enlistment, I spent anywhere from five weeks to six months, depending on my orders, in Norfolk, VA; Washington, DC; Winter Harbor, ME; Nicosia, Cyprus (Twice. I really liked it there); Rota, Spain; Bremerhaven, Germany; and Edzell, Scotland (I LOVED it there!). Also I experienced short visits to London, Paris, Rome, Frankfurt, Athens, Lucerne and Amsterdam.

I made some lifelong friends and had some memorable, if not exactly wonderful, experiences. I also got some great stories to tell; one of these days, I may use them in a book. You couldn't get me back in the Navy, though, if they gave me an aircraft carrier!

Then, in '73, having sown almost all the wild oats in my possession and given myself more-than-ample opportunity to become a full-blown alcoholic, I left Uncle Sam's service. Early, for school. Two years later, 10 years after high school, I earned my bachelor's degree at Central Missouri State University. There, I met tolerant and loving Patmywife of 33-plus years. She was so shy, so quiet, so sweet. I've often wondered what changed her....

In 1976, I fulfilled my mom and dad's dream when I earned a master's degree from The American University in Washington, DC. After that, Patmywife and I returned to the Midlands, where I eagerly jumped into the newspaper business. Two degrees in hand, I secured an editorship at a small family-owned newspaper in Missouri, earning a princely sum ... of peanuts. I've toiled since then in newspapers and in public relations. The peanuts are more abundant in the latter, but not THAT abundant.

Now, since Nov. 1, 2008 I am retired, and LOVING it! Unless you've had to feed the big paper beast, you can't know just how wonderful it is not to have deadlines. I think I'm gonna like being a sofa slug!

But maybe I'll just dance....