Listening in on the Hummingbees

Spring and summer mornings, The Wife and I take our coffees outside and sit on the deck overlooking the mostly dry creek across the lawn below. We listen to the morning sounds and watch the hummingbees as they wake up and come zooming in to get their morning sugar fixes at our four HB feeders.

(We hang as many as a dozen of them on various hooks, nails and shepherd's crooks on the edge of the deck roof and around the railing — depending on how the winter treated the little critters on their 2,000-mile spring migration, what our local weather has been, or the cost of sugar.)

Sometimes, the hummingbees straggle in a few at a time, as if they just woke up and need a teeny cup of coffee to get started. More often, though, they come roaring in like a couple squadrons of tiny attack helicopters all trying to refuel at once.

Then after the initial chaos, the traffic settles down and fewer come to feed. This flight is less like a military operation and more like a bevy of fluttering feathered housewives rushing a supermarket during Twenty-Percent Tuesday. Chatting, gossiping, more interested in the socializing than the shopping.

This morning, I caught myself wishing I had a hummingbird translator so I could listen in on their twittering and chirping. My imagination took flight (excuse the word play).

"Hi, Helen! What *cheep* are you up to *chirp* today?"

"Hi, Hope! Just *tweet* looking for some diapers, size teeny tiny miniscule. Hoger's doesn't carry them *twitter* anymore."

"I know, right? *tweet* Ever since the Bird Flu Pan*chirp*demic, it's been hard to find them. Have you *twitter* tried J.C. Henney's? *tweet*

"No, I'll make that my next stop. *twitter* Say, did you *cheep* hear *chirp* about Haley? Her eldest hasn't re*tweet*turned from Panama yet."

"Oh, my! *chirp* I hope he's not stuck *cheep* down *tweet* in Nic*twitter*aragua in that horrid *tweet*tweet*twitter* sparrow caravan coming this *chirp* way!"

"That'd be *tweet* just terrible! What'll *chirp* Hester and her *cheep*cheep* little chicks, Hank, *tweet* Heidi, Howard and Holly do?" *cheep*tweet*twitter*

"I don't know, *chirp* they'e so messy! Have you "twitter" ever seen her *tweet* nest? *cheep*

"Noooo! *tweet* Well, gotta fly!" *cheep*twitter*chirp*

"Call me!" *chirp*tweet*twitter*cheep*

At least, that's how I imagined it. Could be completely different. Who knows what those bustling bitty bundles of hustle are thinking.

"Jeez, low again! *chirp* I wish those giant sluggish lumps'd *cheep*chirp*twitter* move a little faster and *tweet*chirp* keep these feeders full*tweet*er. Don't they know *chirp* we need to eat *twitter*tweet* every 15 minutes?" *chirp*tweet*twitter*cheep*

"If he doesn't step it up, I'm gonna stick my *chirp* beak in his ear!

"By the way, it's 'hummingBIRDS,' not 'bees!'" *grumble*TWEET!*

...Or maybe in their heads, they're just dancing....

Good News, My Millions of Fans!!

(I...what? Oh, alright....)

Ahem!

Good news, my three followers! I'm baa-aaack! After only six short years! And I've brought with me  the event you've been waiting for so patiently!

Sea Stories & Other Lies: Mostly True Tales of a Dry-Land Sailor is here! The very first (and possibly last) book written by me, Scurvy C.A. McBeady, is now available to the public!

Yes, friends and neighbors, you, too, can own a first-edition in either paperback or ebook format!

"Why should I buy it?" you may ask.

"For several reasons," I may answer.

First, I worked really really hard writing it. I typed my little fingers down to nubs! (Well, maybe I just wore my fingernails down a little, but still....) I spent more than two years getting it just right (Ignore the occasional typos, they're minor.). That of itself deserves a look-see, don't you think?

Second, I'm a pretty fair writer. You'll be amazed at the many ways I can turn a phrase. And I use very few big words, so it'll be easy to understand.

Third, I need the money. I have five kids to feed and.... Okay, you got me there. The Wife and I only have two kids and a dog. And both kids aren't. They're grown and fully capable of supporting themselves. But the dog is (a dog?), and we have to feed him!

Fourth, I think you'll enjoy Sea Stores & Other... etc. It's a genre you won't often find in the annals of great literature, a humorous fictitious memoir, "partly truth and partly fiction," as Kristofferson penned in The Pilgrim. It's a narrative of one young man's experiences during a time he was in the employ of Uncle Sam's sea-going forces.

"Oh," you might say, "I love a good adventure tale!"

And I would answer, "This ain't it."

No swashbuckling here, no hero swooping in to save the damsel. In fact, the protagonist doesn't even once punch anyone in the nose! This is a tale of a somewhat naive young man's trying — although not very hard at times — to stay out of trouble in a strict, often nutty, environment and grow up at the same time.

Look for Sea Stories & Other Lies: Mostly True Tales of a Dry-Land Sailor wherever fine literature is sold. (You won't find it there, but you can still look.) It is available at Amazon Kindle Book Store. If it seems a little pricey, try to remember we're in an inflationary economy — and you're helping fund an old geezer's declining years. And his trophy wife.

Sea Stories & Other Lies: Mostly True Tales of a Dry-Land Sailor.

Get it, read it, then tell me what you think.

...Or maybe we can all just dance....

WHY?

I have a question...or two:

Why is the hot water tap on the left and the cold on the right?

Why are the seams in our clothes, especially socks, on the inside where they're more likely to irritate us, instead of the outside, where they're not?

Why do politicians promise and pledge things they KNOW they can't deliver; then totally ignore them after they're elected?

...And why do we keep re-electing these bozos?

Why don't food companies offer low-sodium versions of ALL their products?

...And why do they cost more even though they have less ingredients?

Do reporters really believe they're objective?

Why are instructions on prescription bottles printed so small you need a microscope to read them?

Can anybody tell me why the F-word is now acceptable in almost all venues except church?

Do people really need warnings telling them not to use a hairdryer in the shower?

And while we're on that subject...

Why would the instructions on a plumber's helper say, "Caution: Do not use near power lines?"

...or the label on a bottle of hair coloring warn against using it "as an ice cream topping?"

How come you hardly ever hear a whole song on the radio without the DJ talking over it?

And why do the people who write and make movies think they must "educate" us in their way of thinking?

...And what idiot really believes that LaLaLand and San Francisco are the centers of true American values?

Does the label on a mattress truly need to warn us not to try swallowing it?

Does a six-year-old pointing his finger at another student and saying, "Bang!" warrant his suspension from school?

...And does the entertainment industry really believe the kid was NOT influenced by something he saw on TV?

Are we so stupid, we need to be cautioned by a pepper spray label never to "aim spray at your own eyes?"

Another question that's been burning inside me: why does the warning on an Auto-Shade Windshield Visor tell us, "Do not drive with sunshade in place...?"

Why in Heaven's name would we need the label on Fix-a-Flat to tell us, "Do not weld can to rim?"

...Or a label to warn us to "not consume" Home Depot Treated Lumber?

...Or never to use a Rowenta Iron to "iron clothes on the body?"

Do not the great majority of parents KNOW to "remove infant before folding (a portable stroller) for storage?"

Why do media types insist on using every new, "trendy" phrase or word until we're absolutely sick of hearing it?

...And then using it some more?

Why can't we all just get along?

...bWAHhahahahaha!

...Okay....

Finally, maybe I've led a sheltered life, but I can't imagine why anyone would need to be told that the hotel-provided shower cap in the box he/she is about to open "fits one head."

Got any burning questions of your own? Please, send 'em in here, and we'll discuss 'em...or cuss 'em, whichever is appropriate.

If not, maybe we'll all just dance....