May 20, 2011

Read This While You Still Can!

Several things about the End of the World, which some say will be here soon (read, "tomorrow")....

For starters, none of the self-proclaimed "experts" and "prophets" seem to agree on just when the Great Creator is gonna pull the plug. I cannot begin to tell you how many nutcases have predicted the End of Times, Judgement Day, Doomsday, etc.
 The latest "prediction," if you wanna call it that, is either tomorrow, May 21, 2011, or Dec. 12, 2012. Both dates are based on the Mayan calendar, which I understand ended every 50 years.

Hmh.... There's something odd about basing a doomsday scenario on the calendar of a long-gone civilization. Especially one that saw the end of the world occurring every half century, yet apparently still flourished hundreds of years. Perhaps that's not the most reliable basis for an accurate prediction. Ya think?

If Doomsday -- let's be clear, it's not the Rapture. The Rapture is the Christian Judgment Day. If Doomsday occurs Dec. 12, 2012, we have a whole year and two-thirds to get the biggest things emptied from our buckets. For my part, I'm gonna do my Christmas shopping early and celebrate the holiday Dec. 11. Plus, I might throw a Boll Weevil party to commemorate the day in 1919 when they raised a monument to the bug in Enterprise, AL. Either way, it'll be the first time in my life when I won't have a pile of holiday bills coming due in January.

For the purposes of this blog, though, let's say tomorrow is D-Day (Cue eerie music: wooOOH-weee-OOoooo....). Let me offer you some things you might be able to accomplish -- IF you hurry!

1. The first, obviously, is not paying your bills. As an addendum, you might wanna run up your VISA card as high as you can. In fact, run up every credit card you have!

2. Don't just empty all your bank accounts, cash in every CD, bond or anything else you can. And put the cash on your kitchen table at home.

3. Write enough rubber checks that you'll enter Eternity known as Mr. or Ms. Goodyear -- or at least, the Latex King/Queen.

4. Now's the perfect time to tell your boss what you REALLY think of him/her.

5. You know that neighbor's barking dog that keeps you awake all night every night? You won't get another opportunity to rent the biggest P.A. system you can find and blast "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha Ha" into his bedroom all night long tonight.

6. Eat two hotdogs with everything just before you hit the gym this afternoon, then when Mr. or Ms. Lookdon'tyawishyouwereme shakes his/her glutes in your face, it won't take much to upchuck all over his/her biker shorts and designer cross-trainers.

7. Invite every relative, friend or casual acquaintance who has ever tried to involve you in Tupperware, Amway, Mary Kay or any other multilevel or pyramid marketing to Home-made Brownie Party. Make the icing out of Ex-Lax. Urge them to eat up; then send them home -- quickly.

8. Tell that person in your office with the chronically bad breath or B.O. to brush and take a shower.

9. If you happen to be at a bathing suit-appropriate venue and see that individual with the 50-gallon-capacity beer gut in a bikini or Speedo, now's the time to tell him/her exactly how much you admire their choice in beach/pool wear.

10. Rent a limo -- better yet, charter a plane -- and treat your main squeeze to the most expensive restaurant you can find. And tip like you own Fort Knox.

11. If you live in a large metropolitan area, take a Bugatti Veyron ($1.7 million list price) for a test spin. Don't return.

If, however, you're on the conservative side and are absolutely convinced we'll all pay for our excesses and extravagances in the afterlife, just hie yourself to the nearest church and meditate in your "final" hours.

I believe we can't know when the End will be. Therefore, please leave your door open and your liquor cabinet unlocked. And don't forget the cash.

...And maybe I'll be dancing there when you return!

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